Help Yourself!

I was browsing a few blogs a couple of days ago when I came upon an entry which lists several activities that could help anyone going through a break-up. Normally, I would have never given it the time of day – I believe in the concept of wallowing in your pain until you get used to it – but one of my BFFs Maui just broke up with her scumbag boyfriend. So I decided to give it a read and maybe I could pick up something to help Maui out. Boy was I wrong.

 

Let me give you a rundown of the exercises listed:

 

1.       Mirror Love – this exercise requires for you to look at the mirror and tell yourself “I love you.” Apparently, you will come to love yourself after doing this exercise often enough. This won’t work on Maui and I. Our second favorite pastime after judging other people is criticizing ourselves. After doing this exercise for like ten times, trust you will hate yourself more. Seriously the more you look at yourself, the more you notice fine line, dark spots, your mother’s nose on you, yellowing teeth. So much for self-love.

2.       Happy Thought – this exercise requires for you to think happy thoughts first thing in the morning. But if you just broke up with someone, and most of your happy thoughts involve the ex, how is this going to help you? Besides, I hate happy people. I refuse to be one of them.

3.       Tell Your Story To Others – self explanatory. This gave me a laugh. I pictured myself going from house to house, knocking on people’s doors like one of those Jehovah’s Witnesses and tell them that I have some news. Not exactly from the Lord but still of Biblical proportions – think Sodom and Gomorrah.

4.       Plan Your Week – the idea is create a routine and stick with it to make a sense of stability in your life. Well I have been doing this every break-up. My routine goes like (1) Cry. (2) Eat. (3) Feel guilty about eating. (4) Feel fat. (5) Make anonymous phone calls to ex. (6) Lie down. (7) Cry. (8) Feel fat again. (9) Make other people feel miserable. (10) Repeat 1-9.

5.       Send Your Personal Critic On A Vacation – after reading this I immediately asked my father if he wants a trip to Boracay. Then I realized that the exercise was talking about my inner critic. Silly me.

6.       Learn To Make Something – after a break-up you will have lots of time (sad, so sad). So the exercise involves taking this time to learn something new. Post break-up, which one should I learn to make first? A sturdy knot to tie a noose or a bomb?

7.       Write A Lost And Found Ad – yes. Sounds crazy ‘no? Apparently, it’s cathartic to write an ad because you recognize what you lost and it will help you jumpstart the process of regaining it. The example reads:

 

      Lost: Belief in love. Anyone who helps me find it will be rewarded with friendship and possibly more.

 

      Mine reads like this:

 

      Lost: (insert ex’s name). Cries whenever I scream at him. Has a slight body odor and a beer belly. Drug dependent. Unbelievably smelly pubic area. Cheated on me many times over. If found don’t call me. But if he looks happy, let me know. I’ll make sure he won’t be.

 

8.       Photo Blame – get a picture of your ex. Then go to a place where you feel comfortable. Tell the picture that the relationship failed due to his faults and indecisions. Tell it how angry you are. And the article asked “how did you feel afterwards?” Uhm, kinda stupid.

9.       Write A Short History Of Your Relatiuonship – a few questions are provided to help you get started. “What are the most significant positive experiences in the relationship?” (The day we broke-up.)           “What did each of you do to make the relationship work?” (Me, everything; him, nothing.) “In what ways has this relationship added to your life? (I have a renewed my love affair with food.) “What did this relationship teach you about life yourself?” (I am capable of reaching a new low. I can be mind-numbingly stupid. I am even more pathetic than I think…)

10.   Balloon Exercise – get a balloon; write all your worries, fears and pain. Then let it fly. Fuck this! I say get balloon, fill it with water, go to your ex’s roof, and drop it on his head on his way to work. There. Now that’s therapeutic.