Post Break-Up Form/Letter To Ex

Instructions: Choose the best answer. Retype. Print. Wrap a large stone with it. Throw at ex’s window. Or head if you are really angry.

 

Dear (insert ex’s name)

 

You are too:

·          immature for me

·          self-absorbed to even notice me

·          short and people stare at you and laugh

·          smelly that it affects my house plants

 

You make me want to:

·          become a nun/priest

·          throw up and eat my own vomit

·          call your mother and tell her how badly she raised you

·          call your boss and tell him that you are taking drugs

 

I am writing this letter because I want to tell you that I:

·          have changed the locks at MY apartment

·          have burned all your Sandman graphic novels

·          have told your mother that you have STD

·          have filed a restraining order against you

 

I can’t stand that you:

·          scream like a girl while having an orgasm

·          masturbate while watching tribes people on National Geographic

·          kiss me with that breath

·          cook and assume that chili is the only ingredient in the world

 

Our relationship was:

·          a mistake of global proportions

·          an episode of Twilight Zone

·          a reason for my friends to say “we told you so”

·          as bad Ryan Seacrest hosting the Emmys

 

I felt like I was sleeping with:

·          a corpse

·          Mini-me

·          Whoopi Goldberg

·          a huge block of blue cheese

 

I wish you would:

·          leave me alone

·          leave the country

·          leave cooking to professionals

·          die a violent death

 

I hope you never get over your unnatural obsession with your:

·          early on-set drastic hair loss

·          stretch marks

·          back pimples

·          hairy butt

 

I feel:

·          sorry for your mother

·          sorry for your next girlfriend/boyfriend

·          glad that I don’t have to fake interest in your hobbies anymore

·          glad that I don’t have to act slightly stupid to make you feel good about yourself

 

Sincerely (insert your name)

 

P.S. I hate your:

·          fashion sense

·          your pet

·          brother/sister

·          guts

 

P.P.S:

·          your sister is ugly as fuck

·          your hometown is so primitive

·          you are not as hot as you think

·          I just won the lottery