Come, let’s follow us!

http://miriam-quiambao.blogspot.com/

And her entry about our workshop:

http://miriam-quiambao.blogspot.com/2008/11/spotlight-artists-workshop.html

Be back with updates.

Muah! Muah!

“Aso! Aso lang ang hindi nakakakilala sa pangalang Magnolia Dela Cruz”

- Nora Aunor in Bilangin ang Bituin sa Langit

Hindi Magnolia ang pangalan ko, una sa lahat. Pero ngayong ako’y isa ng ganap na Theater Director / Actor / Playwright – naks! – isa sa mga gusto kong achieve-in sa buhay ay ang maabot ang level ng kasikatan ni Magnolia. ‘Yung tipong aso nga lang ang ‘di ako kilala. Oo, aso lang, dahil gusto ko makilala ako ng mga kambing, tupa, platypus, ostrich, pawikan. Pero seryoso, sometimes naiisip ko na baka nga gusto ko career-in ang arts kasi nga gusto ko lang sumikat. So, para wala ng mga tanong, tinanggap ko na pangalawa sa need ko na ipuwersa ang mga pananaw ko sa buhay sa mga tao through arts, gusto ko rin sumikat. Siyempre, pangatlo diyan ay magkaroon nag pera. ‘Yung maraming marami. ‘Yung naiinis na ako kasi sobrang dami. At gusto ko rin magpalit ng pangalan. ‘Yung tipong hindi makakalimutan ng kahit sino. Mga ka-level ng Magnolia. Marigold Loleng? Champaca Loleng? Pitimini Loleng?

“Ang iyong lingkod si Layming! Maganda, mayumi, mapanganib, mangkukulam!”

- Celia Rodriguez in Darna at Ding

Parang dinescribe talaga ako ni Layming. Sa tingin ko maganda ako. Oo, malakas ang tiwala ko sa sarili. At may kakapalan ang mukha ko. Hello!? Kung hindi makapal ang mukha ko ano pang secret weapon ko aber? Mayumi ako. Minsan napapansin ng mga friends ko kung kumilos ako akala mo’y kung sino balingkinitan ang pangangatawan. Eh, leche ang taba-taba ko na nga tapos babarda-barda pa ako kumilos? Abuso na yata ‘yun. Mapanganib ako – dahil magaan ang mga kamay ko. Siguro nga sadista ako kasi may ibang satisfaction akong nararamdaman kapag nakakasakit ako ng ibang tao, pisikal man o emotional. At higit sa lahat mangkukulam ako. Ay totoo ‘yan. I remember ‘nung highschool, kasama ng mga friends ko na sina Mickey and Weng, kinulam namin ‘yung mga crush namin na syota-in kami. Madilim na kuwarto, may mga kandila achuchuchu. Sineryoso talaga namin. Ending, ‘di tumalab ‘yung kulam nila. Pero ‘yung sa akin, pasok sa banga. Jinowa ko siya.

“Nagustuhan? Sinira mo ang kanta. Binaboy mo. Baliw ang nagsasabing ipinanganak na karibal ko. You’ll never make it. Hindi ka singer, Dorina. Wala kang kalulugaran sa mundong ito. Malayong kopya ng original. You’re a fake. You’re nothing but a second rate, trying hard copycat!”

- Cherie Gil in Bituing Walang Ningning

But of course! Ang unang pelikulang napanood ko ever ay ang classic na ito. Sa Betamax. I think I was around 4 or 5 years old. Naaliw ako sa mga lines. Sa pagkanta ni Dorina Pineda. Sa pagtatalak ni Lavinia Arguelles. ‘Nung pinanood ko siya natuwa ako sa mga makikintab nilang damit. Sa nagtataasan nilang shoulder pads na akala mo sasabak sa NFL games. Naisip ko na parang… parang… gusto ko silang tularan.

“Para kang karinderyang bukas sa lahat ng gustong kumain.”

- Vilma Santos in Palimos nag Pag-Ibig

Itong classic line na ito ni Ate Vi best describes my sex life ‘nung college. Bwahahaha. Oo, inaamin ko. May pagkakataon na hindi ako naging masyadong choosy. Aminin na natin. Minsan naging dayukdok at masiba tayo sa nota. Eh sa sila ang lumalapit e, so mag-iinarte ako? Kung kasalanan maging kaakit-akit… I’m sorry! Pero nagbago na ako. Namimili na ako. Actually, sa sobrang choosy ko, tigang na ako. Hayok. Gutom. Uhaw. Sabik. At dahil diyan, parang ina-announce ko na muling nagbubukas ang karinderya ko – 24/7.

“Ang hirap sa ‘yo, hindi mo na makuha ng tama ang order, hindi mo na maluto ng tama ang sisig, ‘di ka pa magkaanak!”

- Diether Ocampo in Gimik: The Reunion

Bukod sa obvious na wala akong balak mag-dalang-tao, hindi talaga ako marunong magluto ng sisig. Kasi naman ang nanay at tatay ko magaling magluto. Ang kapatid ko magaling magluto. Ang lola ko, may sa-Jedi ang cooking skills. Ako wala. Well actually, in a scale of 1 to 10, nasa 7 naman ang skills ko. Kaya lang ang 7, sa pamilya Sanares-Loleng ay mga 2 lang. So tuwing nag-a-attempt ako magluto, todo pag-aawat talaga ang buong angkan ko. Maglalagay ako ng konting asin may maririnig kang “maghunus-dili ka!” Kaunting paminta, “magtimpi ka!” Mag-a-attempt na magluto ng manok, “’wag mong ilagay ang hustisiya sa iyong mga kamay.” I-quote ba si Perla Bautista? Oh well.

Amalia Fuentes: “Ano ito!? Business or monkey business?”

Pilar Pilapil: “Business! Ngayon lang pumasok ang monkey!”

- Amalia Fuentes and Pilar Pilapil in Mortal Sin

Ganyan na ganyan lang ang career ko sa call center industry. May apat na taon din ako nagtagal diyan. From agent, to team leader, to coach, to QA analyst, to product trainer, to account manager, to site manager and finally operations manager. Lahat ‘yan pinagdaanan ko. In fairness, impressive pala resume ko. Hehehe. Pero looking back, feeling ko ‘di ko masyado sineryoso ang trabaho ko sa lagay na ‘yan. Feeling ko mas malayo pa mararating ko sana. Pero anong magagawa ko? Hindi siya ang love ko e. So talagang parang feeling ko niloko ko lang ang sarili ko. Kaya ngayon, tutuparin ko na ang pangarap kong maging – sikat na artista. Oo ‘yung tipong sobrang sikat ka kahit walang kang talent kumanta ay gagawa ka ng album kasi nga sikat ka. Parang si Juday na dinaan sa hangin ang pagkanta. Or si Gabby na sinabay sa comeback ang album. Or si Gretchen na binili ang sariling mga album para makaabot sa gold record level. Or sina Boy at Kris na dinaan sa compilation.

“Akala ko ‘nung una nagtatanga-tangahan ka lang. ‘Yun pala talagang tanga ka!”

- Maricel Soriano in Minsan May Isang Ina

Aray. ‘Nung last relationship ko, binigyan ko ng justification lahat ng mga choices ko. Pinaniwala ko ang sarili ko sa mga bagay na hindi naman totoo. Ganoon talaga kapag in-love ka ‘di ba? ‘Yung mali gagawan ng paraan na maging tama. ‘Yung hindi totoo bibigyan ng katwiran. ‘Yung pangit pinapaganda. Pero after some time, kung re-review-hin mo ‘yung relationship, mare-realize mo na may katangahan ka nga. Minsan, sasabihin sa ‘yo nga mga kaibigan mo ang tunay na sitwasyon pero ‘di ka makikinig. Pinipili ng mga tenga kung ano ang gusto mong marinig. Pero nagpapasalamat pa rin ako kasi may ilang mga kaibigan ako na hindi ako sinukuan. ‘Yung tipong sasabihin talaga ang dapat mong marinig kahit masakit. Pero sana since nakinig naman ako sa ‘yo, ‘wag na natin ulit-ulitin pa na tama ka. ‘Wag mo na ipagduldulan na nagkamali ako. Sorry na. Ibaon na natin sa limot pwede? Kasi may mga alam din ako na pagkakamali mo. Gusto mo ipaalala ko sa rin sa ‘yo tuwing magkikita tayo? Oo na, nagpakatanga tayo minsan. Kalimutan na natin ‘yun katulad ng paglimot natin sa mga katangahan natin ‘nung bata pa tayo. Katulad ng pag-dye mo ng buhok mo ng orange. O ‘nung tutukan ako ng kutsilyo sa C-5. O ‘nung naholdap ka ng ka-sex mo. O nung natae ka sa pants mo ‘nung field trip natin sa National Museum. O ‘nung nagsusuot ka ng hairclip ng sumasayaw na paru-paro. O na hanggang ngayon naglalaro ka pa rin ng Barbie kahit bente siyente anyos ka na at lalaki ka pa na may asawa at dalawang anak. ‘Di ba?

“Ayoko ng tinatapakan ako! Ayoko ng masikip! Ayoko ng mabaho! Ayoko ng walang pagkain! Ayoko ng marumi! Ayoko ng walang tubig! Ayoko ng putik!

- Maricel Soriano in Kaya Kong Abutin Ang Langit

Sino ba may gusto niyan Maria? Dagdagan ko pa ha? Ayoko mag-jeep. Ayoko mag-elevator. Ayoko ng amoy ng suka. Ayoko ng kinakain ng puwet ko ang brief ko. Ayoko ng mga jologs na tumatambay ng apat na oras sa Starbucks tapos ang order e isang Tall Brewed Coffee lang. Ayoko ng siksikan sa LRT. Ayoko ng mga taxi driver na hindi nagbibigay ng sukli. Ayoko ng kanin na buhaghag. Ayoko ng wasabi. Ayoko ng mahabang pila. Ayoko sa mga batang pulubi sa jeep na pupunasan ang aking mga paa gamit ang trapo nilang pagkarumi-rumi lalo na kapag nakasinelas lang ako. Ayoko ng patakaran ng MTRCB. Ayoko sa kulay green. Ayoko sa kaimito. Ayoko ng brownout. Ayoko ng summer. Ayoko ng baha. Ayoko ng mga taong nagsusuot ng Penshoppe. Ayoko sa SM Manila. Ayoko ng yosing menthol. Ayoko na mag-call center. Ayoko ng pinagpapawisan. Ayoko ng Dark Cherry Mocha. Ayoko sa GMA-7. Ayoko kay Paolo Bediones. Ayoko ng public display of affection. Ayoko na kay John Lapus. Ayoko sa mga talent ng ABS-CBN na lumipat sa GMA. Ayoko kay Dora the Explorer. Ayoko sa Project Runway Philippines. Ayoko kay Tyra Banks. Ayoko kapag tumitikwas ang buhok ko. Ayoko ng ipis. Ayoko ng amoy ng Bench Colognes. Ayoko sa mga taong may simcard na SMART. Ayoko ng masyadong maliwanag. Ayoko ng instant coffee. Ayoko ng mga taong nagrereklamo na ang pangit ng Philippine TV samantalang ‘di naman sila nanonood ng TV. Ayoko kay Cristy Fermin. Ayoko na kay Boy Abunda. Ayoko na sa #Bi-Manila. Ayoko na.

Click on the pic for Nestor Torre’s review.

Yes that's me in heavy make-up.

Artwork by Robert A. Dilgadillo

I am so in love with it! See more at http://www.radboy.com/index.html

Dear (insert ex’s name)

You are too:

·          immature for me

·          self-absorbed to even notice me

·          short and people stare at you and laugh

·          smelly that it affects my house plants

You make me want to:

·          become a nun/priest

·          throw up and eat my own vomit

·          call your mother and tell her how badly she raised you

·          call your boss and tell him that you are taking drugs

I am writing this letter because I want to tell you that I:

·          have changed the locks at MY apartment

·          have burned all your Sandman graphic novels

·          have told your mother that you have STD

·          have filed a restraining order against you

I can’t stand that you:

·          scream like a girl while having an orgasm

·          masturbate while watching tribes people on National Geographic

·          kiss me with that breath

·          cook and assume that chili is the only ingredient in the world

Our relationship was:

·          a mistake of global proportions

·          an episode of Twilight Zone

·          a reason for my friends to say “we told you so”

·          as bad Ryan Seacrest hosting the Emmys

I felt like I was sleeping with:

·          a corpse

·          Mini-me

·          Whoopi Goldberg

·          a huge block of blue cheese

I wish you would:

·          leave me alone

·          leave the country

·          leave cooking to professionals

·          die a violent death

I hope you never get over your unnatural obsession with your:

·          early on-set drastic hair loss

·          stretch marks

·          back pimples

·          hairy butt

I feel:

·          sorry for your mother

·          sorry for your next girlfriend/boyfriend

·          glad that I don’t have to fake interest in your hobbies anymore

·          glad that I don’t have to act slightly stupid to make you feel good about yourself

Sincerely (insert your name)

P.S. I hate your:

·          fashion sense

·          your pet

·          brother/sister

·          guts

P.P.S:

·          your sister is ugly as fuck

·          your hometown is so primitive

·          you are not as hot as you think

·          I just won the lottery

Let me give you a rundown of the exercises listed:

1.       Mirror Love – this exercise requires for you to look at the mirror and tell yourself “I love you.” Apparently, you will come to love yourself after doing this exercise often enough. This won’t work on Maui and I. Our second favorite pastime after judging other people is criticizing ourselves. After doing this exercise for like ten times, trust you will hate yourself more. Seriously the more you look at yourself, the more you notice fine line, dark spots, your mother’s nose on you, yellowing teeth. So much for self-love.

2.       Happy Thought – this exercise requires for you to think happy thoughts first thing in the morning. But if you just broke up with someone, and most of your happy thoughts involve the ex, how is this going to help you? Besides, I hate happy people. I refuse to be one of them.

3.       Tell Your Story To Others – self explanatory. This gave me a laugh. I pictured myself going from house to house, knocking on people’s doors like one of those Jehovah’s Witnesses and tell them that I have some news. Not exactly from the Lord but still of Biblical proportions – think Sodom and Gomorrah.

4.       Plan Your Week – the idea is create a routine and stick with it to make a sense of stability in your life. Well I have been doing this every break-up. My routine goes like (1) Cry. (2) Eat. (3) Feel guilty about eating. (4) Feel fat. (5) Make anonymous phone calls to ex. (6) Lie down. (7) Cry. (8) Feel fat again. (9) Make other people feel miserable. (10) Repeat 1-9.

5.       Send Your Personal Critic On A Vacation – after reading this I immediately asked my father if he wants a trip to Boracay. Then I realized that the exercise was talking about my inner critic. Silly me.

6.       Learn To Make Something – after a break-up you will have lots of time (sad, so sad). So the exercise involves taking this time to learn something new. Post break-up, which one should I learn to make first? A sturdy knot to tie a noose or a bomb?

7.       Write A Lost And Found Ad – yes. Sounds crazy ‘no? Apparently, it’s cathartic to write an ad because you recognize what you lost and it will help you jumpstart the process of regaining it. The example reads:

      Lost: Belief in love. Anyone who helps me find it will be rewarded with friendship and possibly more.

      Mine reads like this:

      Lost: (insert ex’s name). Cries whenever I scream at him. Has a slight body odor and a beer belly. Drug dependent. Unbelievably smelly pubic area. Cheated on me many times over. If found don’t call me. But if he looks happy, let me know. I’ll make sure he won’t be.

8.       Photo Blame – get a picture of your ex. Then go to a place where you feel comfortable. Tell the picture that the relationship failed due to his faults and indecisions. Tell it how angry you are. And the article asked “how did you feel afterwards?” Uhm, kinda stupid.

9.       Write A Short History Of Your Relatiuonship – a few questions are provided to help you get started. “What are the most significant positive experiences in the relationship?” (The day we broke-up.)           “What did each of you do to make the relationship work?” (Me, everything; him, nothing.) “In what ways has this relationship added to your life? (I have a renewed my love affair with food.) “What did this relationship teach you about life yourself?” (I am capable of reaching a new low. I can be mind-numbingly stupid. I am even more pathetic than I think…)

10.   Balloon Exercise – get a balloon; write all your worries, fears and pain. Then let it fly. Fuck this! I say get balloon, fill it with water, go to your ex’s roof, and drop it on his head on his way to work. There. Now that’s therapeutic.

I feel bad for the obese vegans. I mean come on, you eat nothing but plants but you are still obese?

Big Stan – Don’t watch. Unfunny. When did Rob Schneider stop being funny? Is this movie supposed to be influenced by the dancing Pinoy inmates of Cebu?

King of California – Fine acting from Michael Douglas. I can’t remember a movie where I liked him. Funny. Watch it.

There Will Be Blood – The best movie I’ve seen in years. Daniel Day-Lewis is a god. The baptism scene is probably the best in years.